Dating Would Be a Walk in the Park

I was sitting with my girlfriends from work when they asked me what my worst date was. Hmm I thought.. and then I realized I had none unless you count me finding out later down the road it was just meant as a ploy to get to  my chastity belt which was irrelevant by the time I found out because I still had a great time and got a free meal out of it :0)

So anyways I took a 'pass' on that question. My friend, S, however was more then eager to belly up to the table and spill her guts. Who knew dating could be so pathetic! Guys not opening doors, talking about being addicts, chewing with their mouth open, being rude to the server, talking about no one but themselves, talking about cheating on their x's, getting hammered, being white supremos, asking to buy drugs off someone, bisexual, metro-sexual, etc., etc., etc... blah blah blah.

This all just brings me to why I cannot stand boys. MEN I can stand..the few that are left anyways.

So, DATING.. WTF is going on?? When did all the chivalry go the way of clean air and hairy men?

Here are a list of the top 10 dating mistakes.. PRINT OUT FOR REFERENCE YOU IDIOTS..

1. Showing up late
2. Dressed inappropriately
3. Poor hygiene
4. Picking a bad place
5.Too much talking and not enough listening
6. Foul language
7. Taking a phone call
8. Rudeness
9. Cheapskate
10. Poor hygiene or TOO MUCH hygiene borderline woman.

In addition, as a reference to anyone starting any kind of a dating service or in general.. here are a list of imperative questions which need to be addressed via text or email and should be added:




Question #1 should read: How much hair is on your body?
A. I am a gorilla
B. 5'o clock shadow
C. None.
If the man answers anything besides B his contract is void.

Question #2 should read: Name a type of hair gel? .. If he even answers this with anything other then C. which states 'I have no idea'.. his contract is also void.

Question #3: I am headed out the door for a date when I realize it is raining. I quickly grab a..
A. Hat
B. Coat
C. Umbrella
Again, if he does not answer C. he is void.

Question #4: Kissing on the first date is for..
A. a real man
B. When warranted because clearly we have fallen into love at first site
C. Never kiss on the first date
If he answers A his email is blocked and he will never be allowed back on.

Question #5: When I go on a date I..
A. Always pay
B. Offer to go half
C. All in favor of the women's movement say 'I'
The only right answer is A. Anything else.. ya you get the idea, he sucks.

Question #6: If I am on a date I have my phone and if it buzzes (God forbid it ring) I...
A. say excuse me and answer
B. Ignore it till she uses the restroom
C. Ignore it all together ..
If he answers A. He will immediately be given a free match.com account. Loser.

You get the idea.

Anyways..dating is supposed to be fun, relaxing, and honest. If you aren't feeling it then just excuse yourself from it. Don't make the poor guy waste his money.. unless he is being a douch-bag. Then buy the most expensive items, excuse yourself to the bathroom once they arrive and never look back :)

Ball Sacks Would Exist

Have you ever seen a dog drunk? They merely just fall asleep. 

Boys on the other hand become complete idiotic ugly wrecks. Gone are the days of a social glass of wine or a nice cold pint to finish off the work day. In today's world one is just the beginning. You haven't had a good time unless you have finished off the entire bottle, the sun is coming up, or the keg is shot. It's pathetic. What ever happened to just getting a good buzz, having a good time, hitting the sack around 1-2am, and then waking up NOT hung over? What seriously happened to those days? Who decided that looking and acting like a complete moron was even cool? Honestly, it is pathetic and UNATTRACTIVE.

Furthermore, when did alcohol become used as a replacement for a ball sack? Honest to God a girl (these days) can go stand by the beach, sit on a bench, sit at a coffee shop, sit at a restaurant, sit in the middle of times square and the only people who are going to approach her are the homeless beggars, drunk idiots who haven't gone to bed yet, gangsta's, and weirdos. Pathetic.

A guy cant even approach a girl and strike up a common conversation of 'How are you?" without needing a few shots or just being blacked out drunk. So much for the women's movement being just for women.. the men have started to jump on board. Maybe that is why guys are so homophobic..the fact that a gay guy actually has balls enough to hit on someone, (cough) another man,  freaks them out.. at least they are hitting on someone.

My advice to guys.. grow a ball sack and act like a man. Stop using alcohol as your means to a good time and learn how to have fun using your brain and self control (that is if you have any brain cells left from drinking). There is nothing more attractive then a confident man who knows how to say no to 'one more drink', can speak English at midnight, and who enjoys being useful the next morning.

Santa Monica would be a dog show

On the streets of Bakerfield...

People always bash small towns, especially here in Santa Monica, and especially where I am from, Bakersfield. You know that feeling when you are at the top of a roller coaster, just barely able to see the steep decline, and your thinking to yourself "Oh Shit" ? That is the feeling I get EVERY single time someone asks me where I am from. As soon as I respond I get looks of horror, disgust, amusement, awe, sorrow, empathy, and a look a relief that I am now far away from it

 When did small towns lose all credibility? Is it because we don't have mass amounts of douche bags checking themselves out in the mirror on every corner? Is it because we don't all drive black Range Rovers and BMW's? Is it because we aren't walking around wearing $5,000 worth of clothing and jewelry at bedtime? It is horse shit if you ask me.

At least if you go to a small town the guys love to have fun in trucks, float down rivers, get dirty, drink beer that is priced correctly, and drop an F-bomb. Oh and did I mention their expectations aren't jaded by supermodels walking around everywhere. You cannot even get a guys attention in a town like Santa Monica without having at least 3 of the following from this checklist:
1. Eating Disorder
2. Supermodel/actor in training
3. Range Rover/BMW
4. Money
5. Huge tits
6. Blonde hair
7. Legs and arms that are the same size
8. Dumb as a box of toothpicks

I mean I guess if you like fucking an idiot that is full of plastic, bleach, and mush for brains then this is the place for you (and I mean both women and men in this case)! I think instead of bashing small towns they should be revered for what they offer! Beautiful natural looking girls who don't look like a duck billed platapus (see photo on left), MANLY looking guys, trucks, SUV's, $2.00 beers, and dirt.

So, if boys were dogs, Santa Monica would be a dog show and living in a small town like Bakersfield would be like going to the dog park. It takes at least 2 brain cells to figure out the obvious choice...unless of course your so sucked into the media, yourself, and superficial-ism.

Selfish Dogs. I hate selfish dogs! Especially ones who think its cool to take a ninja sword, out of your carefully pre thought out spent money on costume, and break it over there knee in front of all there 'boys' to look cool. Really dude? What a dick move. Grow up and invest in something you clearly must need adjusted... a penis pump.

Anyways, HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!

What a great holiday!.. for guys. I can only imagine being a guy on Halloween... as a friend of mine said..

"as you get older Halloween gets better because the girls continue to wear less and less!" 

Guys must wake up on Halloween the way a 6 year old wakes up on Christmas.. bright eyed and bushy tail (with hard on)... let the day begin!! Here a slut, there a slut, every where a slut slut! 

Secretly, I think girls wake up and try to imagine the skankiest outfit for Halloween. No longer are the days where you live out your adult childhood dream.. (princess, bride, cat, etc). Now our thoughts focus around pasties and what kind of costume can be created out of 5 inches of fabric. They should just start us early from childhood.."Sweetie, this year your going to be Princess Slutbag".. at least by the time we hit 15 we might actually  have some clothes on around this time of year!

When do girls get there holiday? No, Valentines Day does NOT count. I want a holiday where guys dress up in all plaid, play guitars, have shaggy hair, are not conceded dip shits,  and ride horses. 

Ya, Ill keep dreaming. 

...does size really matter?

"Big ones, small ones, some the size of your head.."

Yep, I am takin it there. Unfortunately, size matters. It matters in all categories, not JUST the more specific and obvious ones. I understand also that 'it is all in how you use it'..but come on, really? Is that actually the case? Cuz I know one thing, if you cant feel anything is it even there? If you ever run into a guy who pulls the line its all in how you use it.. walk away to another guy who just smiles. At lease by smiling he isn't trying to defend what isn't there.

I'd like to just throw it out there, but you dont buy a car until you test drive the crap out of it. You know, slam the breaks on, blast the air conditioner, go full throttle down the free way. So, why on earth would you marry someone or date someone without having tested the waters first; gone for a little off roading.

It applies to kissing as well. Do not under any circumstance let feelings get involved until you have tongue wrestled. Even just speaking this sentence makes me gag and remember times in my life where Ive kissed a guy and his tongue was so gross it turned me off of him immediately. Is it that hard to kiss? Suddenly it was no longer lets hang out it was get out as fast as possible. (see previous blog on kissing).

Slow and steady wins the race. NOT fast and hard. Doesn't anyone remember that tale as a child? They weren't just telling us to make us feel bad for a rabbit.

There is one tale that they forgot, bigger is better, but too big is just as bad.

... Is it all up to Fate? and if so, we're screwed.

To me, fate means nothing more than hours of driving, bad hang overs, criminals, whores, sex, heart break, and one hell of a time. Fate for me means bad news and another town to be left in.

Who the hell is fate? What a horrible, horrible individual. Fate. Fuck Fate. I hate Fate. If I ever run into Fate I am punching them in the face with brass knuckles and then stealing the reigns. Gone would be the days of endless bar hoping and endless drunkin one night stands running our lives. Instead it would be quick, easy, and to the point.

"Hi, my name is Fate. Here is a horse, wolf, bearded dragon, millions of dollars.. and oh yea, happiness and a life of REAL true meaningful, "I will not lie, hit you, or cheat on you", love!" (Rhianna are you listening?!)

Everyone always says.. "Oh its fate!" As if they are excited to see this happiness draining piece of crap. What they really should be saying is "Shit, things are gunna get a little ugly".

If Fate is involved, it isn't gunna be rainbows and butterflies. Everything Fate does begins and ends with heart ache.

So, whats the other option? If not Fate then who or what? Well, there is always that stupid talking snake in the apple tree? Or, there is the other no fail option, God. Maybe if people would start listening and trusting the Big Man upstairs a little more, Fate would go the way of the Indians. Wait, I take that back, Fate has already gone the way of the indians and went and  invented a place called Vegas (cue the heartache and sounds of money going down the drain).

My advice, Fuck Fate. Fuck Fate hard and fast. And when you do be sure to wear protection or else chances are you're going to end up with Herpes and an unexpected pregnancy. Once you have done that, leave without saying good bye. Then, go to church, get on your knees, and tell God your handing the reins over to him. I did, and I ended up with, for the first time, a stuffed camel, a goldfish named Lance, and no sign of that back stabbing idiot Fate anywhere to be seen.

..Game of Pick Up

Viva Las Vegas! Donald Trump wasn't joking around when he coined the phrase 'You're Fired'. I fired myself this morning from my life. So, back from Vegas and a big shout out to Mario Lopez and your new baby!!

VEGAS IS CRAZY. Vegas is eye opening. Vegas is a big slut whore. If Vegas was a person everyone would be jealous of Vegas. They'd all want to sleep with Vegas, be in Vegas, eat Vegas, drink Vegas, and then walk away with a giant Herpes blister on your mouth and hate Vegas. All in all, I love Vegas.

I also love the game of pick up. Vegas has that goin for it with no problems. Its amazing how brave people get when they are around 'Vegas'. No longer are boys and girls shy little clothed gazelles they become strong mighty naked warrior lions and lionnesses out for the hunt. Literally. I had my nerf gun in hand ready to defend myself and walk away with a new head to mount on my moms living room wall back home.

I was eye fucked at least 100 times; as was everyone else I was with. It was a great confidence booster but this morning I have a massive headache. I cant keep up with that. Hence, why my favorite place was the new Sand Bar at the Hard Rock. Barely any people there. Dont get me wrong it was still quite busy but everyone was so busy making out and groping each other in the pool that they just started to become scenery rather than actual 'people'.

So, I have a game of pick up too. Its called pick up and leave. Hello Bakersfield, hello dogs, hello reality!

364 days and counting.