Dating Would Be a Walk in the Park

I was sitting with my girlfriends from work when they asked me what my worst date was. Hmm I thought.. and then I realized I had none unless you count me finding out later down the road it was just meant as a ploy to get to  my chastity belt which was irrelevant by the time I found out because I still had a great time and got a free meal out of it :0)

So anyways I took a 'pass' on that question. My friend, S, however was more then eager to belly up to the table and spill her guts. Who knew dating could be so pathetic! Guys not opening doors, talking about being addicts, chewing with their mouth open, being rude to the server, talking about no one but themselves, talking about cheating on their x's, getting hammered, being white supremos, asking to buy drugs off someone, bisexual, metro-sexual, etc., etc., etc... blah blah blah.

This all just brings me to why I cannot stand boys. MEN I can stand..the few that are left anyways.

So, DATING.. WTF is going on?? When did all the chivalry go the way of clean air and hairy men?

Here are a list of the top 10 dating mistakes.. PRINT OUT FOR REFERENCE YOU IDIOTS..

1. Showing up late
2. Dressed inappropriately
3. Poor hygiene
4. Picking a bad place
5.Too much talking and not enough listening
6. Foul language
7. Taking a phone call
8. Rudeness
9. Cheapskate
10. Poor hygiene or TOO MUCH hygiene borderline woman.

In addition, as a reference to anyone starting any kind of a dating service or in general.. here are a list of imperative questions which need to be addressed via text or email and should be added:




Question #1 should read: How much hair is on your body?
A. I am a gorilla
B. 5'o clock shadow
C. None.
If the man answers anything besides B his contract is void.

Question #2 should read: Name a type of hair gel? .. If he even answers this with anything other then C. which states 'I have no idea'.. his contract is also void.

Question #3: I am headed out the door for a date when I realize it is raining. I quickly grab a..
A. Hat
B. Coat
C. Umbrella
Again, if he does not answer C. he is void.

Question #4: Kissing on the first date is for..
A. a real man
B. When warranted because clearly we have fallen into love at first site
C. Never kiss on the first date
If he answers A his email is blocked and he will never be allowed back on.

Question #5: When I go on a date I..
A. Always pay
B. Offer to go half
C. All in favor of the women's movement say 'I'
The only right answer is A. Anything else.. ya you get the idea, he sucks.

Question #6: If I am on a date I have my phone and if it buzzes (God forbid it ring) I...
A. say excuse me and answer
B. Ignore it till she uses the restroom
C. Ignore it all together ..
If he answers A. He will immediately be given a free match.com account. Loser.

You get the idea.

Anyways..dating is supposed to be fun, relaxing, and honest. If you aren't feeling it then just excuse yourself from it. Don't make the poor guy waste his money.. unless he is being a douch-bag. Then buy the most expensive items, excuse yourself to the bathroom once they arrive and never look back :)

Ball Sacks Would Exist

Have you ever seen a dog drunk? They merely just fall asleep. 

Boys on the other hand become complete idiotic ugly wrecks. Gone are the days of a social glass of wine or a nice cold pint to finish off the work day. In today's world one is just the beginning. You haven't had a good time unless you have finished off the entire bottle, the sun is coming up, or the keg is shot. It's pathetic. What ever happened to just getting a good buzz, having a good time, hitting the sack around 1-2am, and then waking up NOT hung over? What seriously happened to those days? Who decided that looking and acting like a complete moron was even cool? Honestly, it is pathetic and UNATTRACTIVE.

Furthermore, when did alcohol become used as a replacement for a ball sack? Honest to God a girl (these days) can go stand by the beach, sit on a bench, sit at a coffee shop, sit at a restaurant, sit in the middle of times square and the only people who are going to approach her are the homeless beggars, drunk idiots who haven't gone to bed yet, gangsta's, and weirdos. Pathetic.

A guy cant even approach a girl and strike up a common conversation of 'How are you?" without needing a few shots or just being blacked out drunk. So much for the women's movement being just for women.. the men have started to jump on board. Maybe that is why guys are so homophobic..the fact that a gay guy actually has balls enough to hit on someone, (cough) another man,  freaks them out.. at least they are hitting on someone.

My advice to guys.. grow a ball sack and act like a man. Stop using alcohol as your means to a good time and learn how to have fun using your brain and self control (that is if you have any brain cells left from drinking). There is nothing more attractive then a confident man who knows how to say no to 'one more drink', can speak English at midnight, and who enjoys being useful the next morning.

Santa Monica would be a dog show

On the streets of Bakerfield...

People always bash small towns, especially here in Santa Monica, and especially where I am from, Bakersfield. You know that feeling when you are at the top of a roller coaster, just barely able to see the steep decline, and your thinking to yourself "Oh Shit" ? That is the feeling I get EVERY single time someone asks me where I am from. As soon as I respond I get looks of horror, disgust, amusement, awe, sorrow, empathy, and a look a relief that I am now far away from it

 When did small towns lose all credibility? Is it because we don't have mass amounts of douche bags checking themselves out in the mirror on every corner? Is it because we don't all drive black Range Rovers and BMW's? Is it because we aren't walking around wearing $5,000 worth of clothing and jewelry at bedtime? It is horse shit if you ask me.

At least if you go to a small town the guys love to have fun in trucks, float down rivers, get dirty, drink beer that is priced correctly, and drop an F-bomb. Oh and did I mention their expectations aren't jaded by supermodels walking around everywhere. You cannot even get a guys attention in a town like Santa Monica without having at least 3 of the following from this checklist:
1. Eating Disorder
2. Supermodel/actor in training
3. Range Rover/BMW
4. Money
5. Huge tits
6. Blonde hair
7. Legs and arms that are the same size
8. Dumb as a box of toothpicks

I mean I guess if you like fucking an idiot that is full of plastic, bleach, and mush for brains then this is the place for you (and I mean both women and men in this case)! I think instead of bashing small towns they should be revered for what they offer! Beautiful natural looking girls who don't look like a duck billed platapus (see photo on left), MANLY looking guys, trucks, SUV's, $2.00 beers, and dirt.

So, if boys were dogs, Santa Monica would be a dog show and living in a small town like Bakersfield would be like going to the dog park. It takes at least 2 brain cells to figure out the obvious choice...unless of course your so sucked into the media, yourself, and superficial-ism.