Selfish Dogs. I hate selfish dogs! Especially ones who think its cool to take a ninja sword, out of your carefully pre thought out spent money on costume, and break it over there knee in front of all there 'boys' to look cool. Really dude? What a dick move. Grow up and invest in something you clearly must need adjusted... a penis pump.

Anyways, HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!

What a great holiday!.. for guys. I can only imagine being a guy on Halloween... as a friend of mine said..

"as you get older Halloween gets better because the girls continue to wear less and less!" 

Guys must wake up on Halloween the way a 6 year old wakes up on Christmas.. bright eyed and bushy tail (with hard on)... let the day begin!! Here a slut, there a slut, every where a slut slut! 

Secretly, I think girls wake up and try to imagine the skankiest outfit for Halloween. No longer are the days where you live out your adult childhood dream.. (princess, bride, cat, etc). Now our thoughts focus around pasties and what kind of costume can be created out of 5 inches of fabric. They should just start us early from childhood.."Sweetie, this year your going to be Princess Slutbag".. at least by the time we hit 15 we might actually  have some clothes on around this time of year!

When do girls get there holiday? No, Valentines Day does NOT count. I want a holiday where guys dress up in all plaid, play guitars, have shaggy hair, are not conceded dip shits,  and ride horses. 

Ya, Ill keep dreaming. 

...does size really matter?

"Big ones, small ones, some the size of your head.."

Yep, I am takin it there. Unfortunately, size matters. It matters in all categories, not JUST the more specific and obvious ones. I understand also that 'it is all in how you use it'..but come on, really? Is that actually the case? Cuz I know one thing, if you cant feel anything is it even there? If you ever run into a guy who pulls the line its all in how you use it.. walk away to another guy who just smiles. At lease by smiling he isn't trying to defend what isn't there.

I'd like to just throw it out there, but you dont buy a car until you test drive the crap out of it. You know, slam the breaks on, blast the air conditioner, go full throttle down the free way. So, why on earth would you marry someone or date someone without having tested the waters first; gone for a little off roading.

It applies to kissing as well. Do not under any circumstance let feelings get involved until you have tongue wrestled. Even just speaking this sentence makes me gag and remember times in my life where Ive kissed a guy and his tongue was so gross it turned me off of him immediately. Is it that hard to kiss? Suddenly it was no longer lets hang out it was get out as fast as possible. (see previous blog on kissing).

Slow and steady wins the race. NOT fast and hard. Doesn't anyone remember that tale as a child? They weren't just telling us to make us feel bad for a rabbit.

There is one tale that they forgot, bigger is better, but too big is just as bad.

... Is it all up to Fate? and if so, we're screwed.

To me, fate means nothing more than hours of driving, bad hang overs, criminals, whores, sex, heart break, and one hell of a time. Fate for me means bad news and another town to be left in.

Who the hell is fate? What a horrible, horrible individual. Fate. Fuck Fate. I hate Fate. If I ever run into Fate I am punching them in the face with brass knuckles and then stealing the reigns. Gone would be the days of endless bar hoping and endless drunkin one night stands running our lives. Instead it would be quick, easy, and to the point.

"Hi, my name is Fate. Here is a horse, wolf, bearded dragon, millions of dollars.. and oh yea, happiness and a life of REAL true meaningful, "I will not lie, hit you, or cheat on you", love!" (Rhianna are you listening?!)

Everyone always says.. "Oh its fate!" As if they are excited to see this happiness draining piece of crap. What they really should be saying is "Shit, things are gunna get a little ugly".

If Fate is involved, it isn't gunna be rainbows and butterflies. Everything Fate does begins and ends with heart ache.

So, whats the other option? If not Fate then who or what? Well, there is always that stupid talking snake in the apple tree? Or, there is the other no fail option, God. Maybe if people would start listening and trusting the Big Man upstairs a little more, Fate would go the way of the Indians. Wait, I take that back, Fate has already gone the way of the indians and went and  invented a place called Vegas (cue the heartache and sounds of money going down the drain).

My advice, Fuck Fate. Fuck Fate hard and fast. And when you do be sure to wear protection or else chances are you're going to end up with Herpes and an unexpected pregnancy. Once you have done that, leave without saying good bye. Then, go to church, get on your knees, and tell God your handing the reins over to him. I did, and I ended up with, for the first time, a stuffed camel, a goldfish named Lance, and no sign of that back stabbing idiot Fate anywhere to be seen.