...We'd still be cleaning up their shit

I love having my dogs. LOVE IT. Honestly, they are what constitutes most of my life being happy. All they have to do is look at me and my heart melts. There is one draw back to owning a dog, however, that is not fun... cleaning up their shit; and not necessarily do I mean just their 'poo poo' although that is usually the  most disgusting part..(to some). I feel like from the time women are born we are cursed. I like to call it 'the nesting curse'. We are designated as housecleaners, dish cleaners, dirty clothes cleaners, vacuumers, bathroom cleaners, and did you clean my room yet cleaners; it never ends.

Then you get a boyfriend, move in together and suddenly cleaning is no longer a 30 minute job it is now a daily part time occupation that you never remember signing up for. For some it is even a deal breaker. What is it with boys leaving stuff on the floor? When I take off my clothes or drink a glass of wine or eat an apple I don't just drop it like its hot or leave it laying and think to myself  'wow God bless floors and tabletops'. THEN, to make it even more atrocious,  I don't keep walking around it, or on it, or over it thinking everything is in its place and lookin' braggably good. In fact its looking so good with all this shit everywhere that 'honey I wanna have my parents over for dinner tonight I just love our new place and the new floor and table 'art'!

The funny thing is, is that same boy who throws his nasty dirtiness on the floor invites his man friends over and its like they are so oblivious and conditioned to dirtiness that they add to it! Not only is there now an apple core, beer cans, and plates, but now there is a small garbage pile that is blocking my TV and ocean view.

HOW DO YOU FIX THIS you might be questioning? MAKE A DEAL.  What do boys always want, think about, dream about, read about, ruin relationships over? WOMEN...naked women- soooo you give them that, in all its n a k e d splendor.

First, buy two jars-one for you, one for him ( I would recommend ladies that you buy yourself a big jar). Find something he wishes you would stop doing like taking a shower with the door closed or wakling around AFTER the shower with a towl or robe on..and make a trade. For every item he does not put in its proper place when he is done with it YOU get a dollar in YOUR jar. Then for every time you walk around not naked after a shower HE gets a dollar in HIS jar. Problem solved. Now both parties are happy and making money and who doesn't like that.

...They wouldnt care about hair. At All.

Blonde? Brunette? Short? Long? Curly? Straight? Highlights? Low lights? Bangs? No Bangs? Black?Red? Leg Stubble, Leg Hair, Armpits, Landing Strips, Nothing at all, Arm hair, Foot hair, Toe hair, Mustache hair, Eyebrow  Hair, Stomach hair, Boob hair, Neck hair, and all the different patterns and shapes and what not that guys accept of girls down South. AH!

Shakesphere got it all wrong when he used the phrase "to be or not to be" what he really meant by that was "to have hair or not to have hair". Actually, I think back then they loved hair on women because they didn't know any better.. a woman was exactly that ,a woman; all naturale' if you get the gist. Julia Roberts style at the Grammy's was his cup of tea in the morning.So maybe it was Martin Luther King when he said  "I have a dream" who was mistaken.What he meant was "I have a dream about hair".

Dogs don't care. Hair is exactly that, hair. It is a coat that keeps you warm in the morning, noon and night. It shields your eyes from the wind storms and makes you stink when it rains. If your my dogs, hair is something they like to leave laying around the house saturating everything. Hair, hair, hair.

Wolf man has it going for him. He might think having that wolf syndrome disease is a set back but no, no, no, is he ever mistaken. In his case hair is accepted and the only thing people think about when they see him is "I want to pet him". If I grew our my hair, everywhere, the only thing people would be thinking about me is "she has fucked up friends for letting her go out in public".  So, I dont know what to do.

Guys dont have it this bad. I personally like guys with shaggy hair..man style hair. I cannot stand it when guys are meticulous groomers...I want the Chia Pet. Be a guy. My dear friend Susie on the other hand fears hair. She wants a he-she. She likes the clean shaven look; so does my sister and there is nothing wrong with that. It just means I have to stick to athletes, oil drillers, carpenters, surfers, hippies, and the guy on the left. Did I mention the guy on the left? I hope he reads this. WOW.

..if they were really, really bad you could send their ass to the pound

I think this one speaks for itself. I don't know whats worse for a a dog; going to the pound, going to the vet, or having to lick your own ass. I am stumped.  I would love to say "You have been bad now go to MY room" but unfortunately sometimes they don't always need to be "punished" in my room if you get the gist. So, yes, when they misbehave because of not being able to keep their dirty little hands to themselves or whatever it is boys do I would absolutely love to go drop them off at the pound for a day, two days, a lifetime, and maybe even trade in for an upgrade. One womans trash is my new best friend.

I wonder if even taking them to the pound would fix them and make them have their "I see the holy light" moment. Sometimes I think that there are certain "breeds", sort of like Rottweilers, Pitbulls, and Dobermans, who if their mommies didn't gone and raise them right, its hopeless. You just cant change that shit; mean is mean. So ladies, if you have a Doberman or a Rottweiller gone wrong.. take his ass to the pound, drop him off, and tell them he has rabies or gonastiphalitis. Dont feel bad about it either. What is the famous line people always love to use.."its for the best...he is suffering".Just keep running that line through your head, grab a friend, and drop him off. HE IS SUFFERING and YOU are responsible for putting him out of his misery.


Now there are the 'few and far between' exceptions when it comes to these monstrous, scary breeds. The ones who may not be able to see the Holy Light but they can see a sliver of it. These are the ones that you drop off at the Petsmart training courses twice a week and hope they make friends with the sweet and cuddly Black labs and shaky taco loving Chihuahua's. Once they get some positive influence, a good group of friends, BAM its like Jesus himself just scratched him behind the ear. Brand New Dog. Brand New Man.


So, moral of the blog is, if boys were dogs, there is always the pound.

....they'd get the hint when you didnt want to play

I love going out to eat with friends. I love having great conversation with my friends. I love having a cold beer while going out to eat and having great conversation with my friends. What I dont like is a breed I am going to call Roland; he just doesnt get it. Roland is an oversocializer who refers to co-workers as cow-orkers. Roland doesnt get it that when girls nod their heads and smile back without so much as giving even a hello means PLEASE GO AWAY. It in no way translates as "Hi Roland, How is your day?, Please have a seat right next to me and join in our conversation because we have waited all day to talk to you and I especially love it when you unknowingly spit in my face!"


I cannot stand that. Are girls as dumb as boys? I truly hope not. Like I said a few blogs before.. ( I hate that word blog).. what ever happened to just growing a pair of balls..sending over a drink.. and waiting for the reaction. THEN, once the reaction is givin, taking it for what it is; YES OR NO. INTERESTED OR NOT. If a girl is interested in you.. you will know. In fact she might even request to be your friend on Facebook and if your lucky maybe she will leave a comment on your page. And girls, I am sorry to say, but as the movie and the book and now the blog suggests, if he isnt calling, texting, facebooking, myspacing, or knocking on your door he isnt interested. So please, lets save face and valuable texts and add class to our wonderful loving honest gender who can do no wrong and take it for what it is. If God could come down and say "He is not the one".. He would. Unfortunately though that cloud isnt going to come rolling down anytime soon. 


Dogs arent like that. I mean I have an oversocializer named Lucky. She, however, does not refer to coworkers as cow-orkers and does not spit in my face. I might have to beat her if she did. Unable to talk she turns to throwing her ball at you over and over and over and just when you think the ball cannot be thrown anymore.. it comes at you again. It is a problem. However, as soon as I am done with her shinanigans I just put my hand up and say "No". Problem solved. 


Can you imagine being at a bar and the guy comes up like some begging dog and you put your hand up "No". HA, I can see the reaction now and I actually am excited to maybe try it. If only I had a pair of balls. It is sad, yes, but desperate times call for desperate measures and until the age of white horses and handsome charming knights comes back, or a pack of werewolves and vampires overruns our country, or even better and handsome vampire or werewolf on a white horse!,  I dont see this problem ending any time soon. And PS if you know the man riding this horse in the picture SEND HIM MY WAY.




Please feel free to send me suggestions on any topics.. Tillia510@gmail.com

...I would never be happy with just one

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

FINALLY..man I thought it was never going to get here. I swear, as I was standing outside hiding at midnight from the kitchen staff, the cheering, the cop car sirens, and the honking must have lasted for 5 minutes..I guess I am not alone in rushing in 2010. Although, let me say, as great as my mood was this morning walking into Starbucks and finding all the Christmas decorations had vanished slightly depressed me and I almost turned around and went into the bar next door for a shot or 5. Really..is that necessary Starbucks; what is one more day of celebrating.

I wonder if anyone else hides at 12:00 or am I alone? I can honestly say I have never kissed a guy at midnight in my whole life except for 3 times and those were spent kissing a boyfriend. I dont understand the hype. Around the time the ball drops most people cant even see straight so that "glistening" on your midnight victims mouth may actually be an exploded herpes of the mouth or something; scary. I find grabbing a few beers and ditching it to the nearest bathroom or escaping to the alley much more fun. 

Last night I felt like an animal being stocked. Who wants to be stocked for 10 minutes leading up till midnight. I felt like that show.."I survived" only I didnt survive a bear attack I survived a pack of lions who may or may not have had herpes and I was the poor African Buffalo.. whose to say. Gross. 

So, cheers to everyone in the new year. The  "She Wolf" is on the prowl. ( To those of you who know about the T-Shirt its from Nordstrom's.. Go, There, Now).

 So, yes, it is true. If boys were dogs I would never be happy with just one. That is why I have two. That is why I risk my life along highways to save them, seek out the pound to rescue them, and dream about someday owning 15 of them. Dogs will never let you down and can join my She Wolf Pack any day. The more the merrier. 

 Now get off the damn computer, go drink, eat, watch the Rose Bowl, and have fun! And remember, always make the guy text you first.