...there past would still come back to haunt them

There is nothing I hate more than a past which refuses to stay in the past. The reason we move on in life and why life goes on isn't so we can have this continuous starving pigeon following us around and pooping on everything while we are trying to enjoy a good meal. Thats what seagulls at the beach are for... to follow us around and clean up our mess. Enough is enough.

 I don't try to make the right decisions and try to do the right things just to have people who aren't over their own pasts keep popping in and ruining my day. I didn't go through the last 26 years of some really terrible and crappy situations to have something so retarded ruin my happiness or what I have worked my ass off for. There is a reason they say 'put the past behind you'  and why they didn't say "ruin other peoples lives by living in the past and dwelling in it"..

If boys were dogs the past would still come back to haunt them and everyone else. No matter how hard we try to follow the straight path at some point we are going to run into a mountain lion or a rattlesnake and have two choices.. beat the shit out of it or run up a tree and hide for a while. I tend to like to beat the shit out of it but the problem is, is that a lot of the times my mountain lions and rattlesnakes play dead and then sneak back later and I am sure I am not the only one with this issue. So, I have over the years changed my tactic.

This is where learning from the past is important, for everyone. This is where you take all those lessons from all those other dirt roads and deal with it the adult way; you grow up. You build a trap, catch the snake and feed it to a mongoose. One mans trash is another mans treasure. And if that doesn't work, well, there is always death by poison.

All I am saying is, is move on...Karmas a bitch. Leave the past where it belongs, learn from it, deal with it, accept it, use it to make you a better person at the end of the day, but most importantly.. forgive and forget.

...Women would be there raw hide chew toy

What do you call an M & M who goes to school? A Smartie

Dogs are obsessed with treats. All dogs are obsessed with rawhide chews. If boys were dogs women would be their raw hide chews. We are drooled over, fought over, worn down, put on the back burner to something better and most importantly obsessed over.

You don't ask to be a chew toy but we, nonetheless, just are. We come in all shapes and sizes. Some of us are worth our money and others, well, are cheap, easy and a dime a dozen. There is nothing we can do about it. It is as it always will be. We cannot pick which category we fall into although some are going to happen regardless. At the end of the day it is what we are willing to put up with and what we are willing to go up against. Our only hope is to be the top of the line brand that leaves them obsessed, wanting more and too tough to chew up. Not the cheap o' dollar general mock leather Village Bicycle chewy buried three feet under, swallowed and then stolen by the alley mutt dog with rabies.

We are women. We are not toys. Wait, I take that back. We are women, we are fun toys when we want to be not when we are forced to be, we are strong as hell and do not under any circumstance deserve to be slobbered over (although it is confident building), put on the back burner to a plastic stuffed idiot whose only worth is to have her head chewn off and although you might bury us we will always keep you coming back wanting more.

PS. If you are a good friend you will tell your confused friend NOT to wear that hooker looking outfit to the bars. Women are not objects nor are our tits, legs, ass, calves or stomachs. Please cover up you are giving the already confused and dumb gender even less to think about and even less options for those of us on the
prowl. Thanks.

PSS The truth hurts.

..the back of a truck would be their favorite place

Trucks are awesome. You can do anything with a truck; go anywhere. I love my truck. My dogs love my truck. My family loves my truck.  But even more so, my dogs love the BACK of my truck. All I have to do is pick up my keys, give them a little jingle jangle and I have 3 happy pups waggin their tales and butts completely out of control and almost, almost losing their crazy little minds.

What is it about the back of a truck that gets us so stirred up inside even more so than a free Vegas trip strip pole included? As kids it was seen as the coolest thing ever.. to get to ride in the back. It still is. Growing up you drank in the back of trucks, watched sunsets, hooked up, tail gated at football games, made out, slept, and crammed into them. Its a no wonder dogs love to hop in and hang out with their lips, tongues and slobber flying everywhere. Its complete madness. Its the best times of our lives.

As much as I love my truck I think that Bakersfield boys love their trucks more than the rest of the world loves chocolate. Trucks were created for Bakersfield. Surprised? Start counting the next time your out driving around.. it will go something like this: truck, truck, car, truck, huge truck, car, truck, massive truck, truck, homeless person. 

In my opinion trucks are the greatest thing MAN ever came up with. For whatever reason all a guy has to do is say he drives a black F250 King Ranch and my heart and inhibitions literally are handed to him in a ribbon-just like that. Well, almost like that. Boys who drive trucks know how to have fun in my opinion. Its like a guy playing the guitar. Instant hot points.

I, unfortunately, am no different than my dogs and no different than a guy. That is why, if boys were dogs, they would still love trucks and I would still love both of them. Simple. As. That.

..they still wouldn't know how to use their tongues

Tongues.. GROSS. Getting licked by dogs.. gross. Getting spit on.. gross. Spit.. gross. Anything that has to do with the mouth gross, ESPECIALLY, if it is from a dogs mouth. Dogs lick there hehaws and eat shit and then lick our faces, our mouths, our feet and the sad thing is we let them. GROSS. I am guilty of it.. my sisters are guilty of it. My mom is guilty of it. WE ALL are guilty of it. 

So why doesn't kissing gross us out? We are sticking our tongues, our spit, our breath, gross, into someone else's mouth, swallowing it, swirling it  around, and loving it. It gives us the chills. It makes us forget about everything going on around us. It is what makes us 'turned on', 'heated up', 'rearin to go'. GROSS.

Have you ever had someone kiss you and it is like a hard peg swirling around the inside of your mouth, jabbing your teeth and tongue and you aren't sure whether to be rude and say gross please stop or fake the fact that you might be sick when in fact you are or just tough through it and play nice? Or kissing someone and you are going to faint because you have had to hold your breath? OR it is really slimy and gross and you cant tell if food just was shoved down your throat or if it might be there slimy nasty gross tongue? EW. 

Moral of the story... pay attention to how you kiss. Dont use too much tongue.. gross, dont be slobbery.. gross, dont have a hard on with your tongue.. gross, dont choke the other person.. gross.. and please, please, please, dont suffocate me. OH and a big one.. if you have some weird blister.. DONT KISS ANYONE. Thanks.

<--Grossest picture I have ever seen!

If boys were dogs.. we all would still have to learn how to control our nasty dirty mouths and put them to good clean use :)

And also, I cant say it enough, and as always, dont kiss someone elses boy/girlfriend you slutty whore faces.

HAPPY ST PATRICKS DAY!

I saw Gene Simmons today; the guy from KISS. I also saw him buying Starbucks which means him and I have something in common. What is the point? Nothing at all; his hair needs help but who am I to judge my roots are starting to show.

I learned something the other day (thanks Pedro). I learned that in order for a guy or a girl to be happy and in a committed long lasting honest relationship you have to date below you or at least have yourself convinced that you are.  Makes sense to me. If you feel like you aren’t worthy of something you try a lot harder to keep it. So, stop aiming for the stars and instead go and get yourself a telescope so you can look a little deeper.

… and if boys were dogs this would mean Justin Timberlake and Jessica Beal are in trouble. Justin knows he is hot stuff. Jessica knows she is hot stuff. The thing is, if I had to take a wild stab into the dark, Justin wears the britches in the relationship. Moral of the story, you’re in my thoughts and prayers Jess. Don’t be surprised when you find out he cheated on you; I warned ya.

On that note, I thought when you cheat on someone you are supposed to upgrade? What is with this downgrading to a slutty easy whore?... O wait I got it... THERE EASY! Unless of course she doesn't know you have a girlfriend and in that case you need to go to church.

 If you are a guy and you are reading this… stop being a pansy who wants what is easy and go for what is a challenge... there are enough 16 year old pregnant girls now that MTV has to do a show. Also, girls are starting to get the impression that dumb Play Boy rabbits are what they need to look like to be considered hot and sexy and pretty.  I get it I get it, looks fade and plastic doesn’t. But you know what…smarten up, plastic is bad for the environment.

I always thought beauty came naturally? Well guess what, I still do, so chase that one with your easy cheap vodka shot.

...there'd still be a down side

So here I am, 10:21 at night, craving chocolate. Craving garlic cheese bread. Craving the cooling chocolate peanut butter cheesecake my mother made for me sitting mere feet from me yet still out of reach due to the law of baking. Don't worry, I settled for a bag of peanut M & M's and a cup of hot tea, or two.

Is that how it always is though and if it is should we maybe be worried?...things are either out of reach or so good that they are bad. You can never just have ice cream without calories or clothes without debt or a glass of wine without a hang over or the beach without sand in all the wrong places or a beer without a gut. Do all good things come with a downside? 

The answer, unfortunately, is yes. You cant have The Garden of Eden without an apple tree; even God knew what he was doing. Life is all about the temptations. It is all about self control, appreciating the good, and knowing what is best for you.  It all comes down to one decision, one bite, one night, one shot...If the apple could have spoken it would have still said "Eat me I dare you"...

Just a side note..who listens to a talking snake? I mean really... I thought people were crazy today..that must have been one heck of a snake. I know for a fact if I was standing by a tree and some snake came crawling over and started talking to me Id be running in the opposite direction even before it got the first hiss of a word out. Come on Eve..really? A snake? You fell for a snake..a talking snake. No wonder women fall for dumb idiot guys.. we listened to a damn snake trying to tell us to eat a piece of fruit. Not a bowl of ice cream, not a glass of wine, not a piece of cake... AN APPLE.

So, make the right choices. Appreciate the good in your life. Choose your friends wisely. Don't sleep with other peoples boyfriends. And stop counting calories-- just eat smaller portions. Oh, and go to church.

....the emaciated drug using look would mean you were almost dead.

What do you have in a room full of tweekers?

'a complete set of teeth'

I don't get how someone can stand by and watch their friends/loved ones do drugs and not do something about it; boggles my mind. Isn't that one of the responsibilities that comes with 'friendship', honesty. I can truly say I have been guilty of punching one of my friends when I found out they were using drugs and of just straight out calling another friend out on it and telling them they look like shit and the funny thing is that they thought they looked good! In the wise words of my friend Shelly, the only person that can pull off that skinny sucked in coke addict look is Kate Moss and even she needs Photoshop.

KATE MOSS + DRUGS+ NO MAKE UP= BLAH

I realize getting into drugs can happen by accident..and I also realize some people have addictive personalities and they get into bad situations and one thing leads to another. But come on. Do you not realize you develop these weird and awkward body movements and horrible lying habits and yellow teeth if they don't fall out on you? Cuz that does not sound like something I want to look like or act like. SMARTIN UP!

NOTE: 

THIS IS NOT 
A GOOD 

LOOK FOR 
ANYONE!  

Didn't you people ever learn anything in D.A.R.E? 
(DRUG ABUSE RESISTANCE EDUCATION)

So, if boys were dogs, the only thing they would be getting addicted to would be their dog bones and gold fish crackers.  Not coke, not meth, not pills, not alcohol...cheesy delicious fish crackers. They wouldn't ever offer you any of there stash either to get you addicted and when it ran out that would be it. End of the fish. The only problem would be weight gain... not a beer gut, not a twitch, not weird body movements, just simple all over mild weight gain.