...Wolf or Maneater?

                   Jacob vs. Edward

It is only fitting with the new release of Eclipse that this blog pays homage to it. The vampires are getting sexier, the wolves are getting hotter, the series keeps getting better and the debate continues, Wolf or Vampire? I personally, choose wolf.  It is as simple as sundae or banana split? chocolate or vanilla? peanut butter or chocolate chip? Not that Edward or Jacob are anything close to being compared to food but can I help it if my mind goes to the gutter?

If you are a vampire fan, this is where I am going to turn you over to the dark side. It is only fitting with this blog being called 'if boys were dogs' that I stick to my guns. And it is only fitting with Jacob being a wolf that I stand my ground on the issue. I do after all prefer muscles, athleticism, and hair (right Susie?)

Here it goes, Edward struggles from commitment issues and has been around the block. Jacob would die for you and watching his shirt rip off in the process would be an added bonus. Edward is cold to the touch and could do nothing more than lay next to you at night aimlessly staring at the missed cobwebs in the corner.

Jacob on the other hand, could wrap those big man muscles right around ya and the body heat coming off of him would only add to his perfection on a cold winter night. Have you crossed over yet or should I keep going?

Edward hasn't eaten a meal in years, could never appreciate your cooking, and is white and frail from lack of sunlight. Jacob loves to eat, can play in the sun and is anything but frail. Does having a giant dog sleeping at the foot of your bed appeal to you or does waking up seeing a dark shadow in the corner get ya goin?


So, again, I ask the question,
WOLF OR VAMPIRE?

Jacob or Edward?
	Jacob
	Edward
View Results

..would they still be sluts or does Cloud 1 really exist?

Do sluts feel like sluts and whores feel like whores when they are in their whore mode knowingly whoring themselves out?  Or is there some unknown emotion that I have yet to encounter or feel. The Japanese made up a new taste so I am making up a new emotion. It is called 'Cloud 1' and right above ground 0 stupor. It is a feeling of acting like a slut and not realizing you are until the next morning when your drunkin happy phase has worn off. This is how it falls in the category of things:

Cloud 9- NOT reality

Cloud 5- Reality

Cloud 1-You dont realize you are being a drunken slut and have convinced yourself this could be your new boyfriend/husband.

Cloud 0- Rock bottom

So, here is the scenario:

I am in a hotel lobby around 2am when in walks 'the boys' with four girls behind them and even funnier three boys who are not even part of 'our crew' behind them; Clearly hoping for any stragglers that dont get eaten alive by the charm and godliness of what are athletes. We all make a plan to change into our bathing suits, hop the fence and go hot tubbing. The girls, no bathing suits conveniently stashed in their clutches, strip down to their lacy bras and thongs and hop in absolutely oblivious to the snake in the apple tree. Maybe this is how the garden of eden went down. Eve was drunk.

Now, do these girls actually feel like a slut and know they are being sluts for coming back to the hotel or are they so caught up in that moment that everything seems totally normal  aka Cloud 1? I just cannot see someone excited about whoring themselves out. Actual I can and those slutty whores do exist. But, nonetheless, maybe that is why the next morning it is called the 'walk of shame'. You don't actually realize what you are doing, in your drunken bliss Cloud 1, until the next morning when you realize you are in a hotel room, naked, dirty and used and somehow have to get back home. If only it were as easy as clap on clap off. Clap home. Clap bed.

...can you teach an old dog new tricks?

There is nothing I find more rude than when a guy comes into my work to eat dinner, on a date, and makes it obvious when she turns her back that he is checking me out or any of the other female staff I work with. What is with the male species? Can you ever be happy with what you have or are you always wanting what you cant have?

 I appreciate the whole 'appreciate a pretty flower' concept but, really, do you think that I am going to magically slip you my number when you are straight out making it obvious you are a cocky doosh-bag? and nonetheless YOU ARE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. Let me repeat that.. YOU. ARE. WITH. ANOTHER. WOMAN.

I guess it goes back to Caveman days where the more 'seed' they sowed the bigger their return. It was all about survival of the strongest, fastest and most popular.  Has anyone else noticed that we are not in the caveman days, despite Geico commercials suggesting otherwise, and slutty whore desperado's are in abundance around every turn? If you want to 'sew' your seed all you need is a bottle of Jack and a sign saying you have a boyfriend or girlfriend. The sluts will come running legs wide open.

Back to the point. If you want to see boobs move to Europe. If you want to see ass move to Brazil. If you want to see naked girls running around move to Africa. Stop staring like it is something you haven't seen before. Boobs are boobs even if they aren't size H is for Heidi.

Can you teach an old dog new tricks? I'd like to say yes but unfortunately unless the dog wants to change the only new tricks he will be performing are on Friday nights around 3am.

...there past would still come back to haunt them

There is nothing I hate more than a past which refuses to stay in the past. The reason we move on in life and why life goes on isn't so we can have this continuous starving pigeon following us around and pooping on everything while we are trying to enjoy a good meal. Thats what seagulls at the beach are for... to follow us around and clean up our mess. Enough is enough.

 I don't try to make the right decisions and try to do the right things just to have people who aren't over their own pasts keep popping in and ruining my day. I didn't go through the last 26 years of some really terrible and crappy situations to have something so retarded ruin my happiness or what I have worked my ass off for. There is a reason they say 'put the past behind you'  and why they didn't say "ruin other peoples lives by living in the past and dwelling in it"..

If boys were dogs the past would still come back to haunt them and everyone else. No matter how hard we try to follow the straight path at some point we are going to run into a mountain lion or a rattlesnake and have two choices.. beat the shit out of it or run up a tree and hide for a while. I tend to like to beat the shit out of it but the problem is, is that a lot of the times my mountain lions and rattlesnakes play dead and then sneak back later and I am sure I am not the only one with this issue. So, I have over the years changed my tactic.

This is where learning from the past is important, for everyone. This is where you take all those lessons from all those other dirt roads and deal with it the adult way; you grow up. You build a trap, catch the snake and feed it to a mongoose. One mans trash is another mans treasure. And if that doesn't work, well, there is always death by poison.

All I am saying is, is move on...Karmas a bitch. Leave the past where it belongs, learn from it, deal with it, accept it, use it to make you a better person at the end of the day, but most importantly.. forgive and forget.

...Women would be there raw hide chew toy

What do you call an M & M who goes to school? A Smartie

Dogs are obsessed with treats. All dogs are obsessed with rawhide chews. If boys were dogs women would be their raw hide chews. We are drooled over, fought over, worn down, put on the back burner to something better and most importantly obsessed over.

You don't ask to be a chew toy but we, nonetheless, just are. We come in all shapes and sizes. Some of us are worth our money and others, well, are cheap, easy and a dime a dozen. There is nothing we can do about it. It is as it always will be. We cannot pick which category we fall into although some are going to happen regardless. At the end of the day it is what we are willing to put up with and what we are willing to go up against. Our only hope is to be the top of the line brand that leaves them obsessed, wanting more and too tough to chew up. Not the cheap o' dollar general mock leather Village Bicycle chewy buried three feet under, swallowed and then stolen by the alley mutt dog with rabies.

We are women. We are not toys. Wait, I take that back. We are women, we are fun toys when we want to be not when we are forced to be, we are strong as hell and do not under any circumstance deserve to be slobbered over (although it is confident building), put on the back burner to a plastic stuffed idiot whose only worth is to have her head chewn off and although you might bury us we will always keep you coming back wanting more.

PS. If you are a good friend you will tell your confused friend NOT to wear that hooker looking outfit to the bars. Women are not objects nor are our tits, legs, ass, calves or stomachs. Please cover up you are giving the already confused and dumb gender even less to think about and even less options for those of us on the
prowl. Thanks.

PSS The truth hurts.

..the back of a truck would be their favorite place

Trucks are awesome. You can do anything with a truck; go anywhere. I love my truck. My dogs love my truck. My family loves my truck.  But even more so, my dogs love the BACK of my truck. All I have to do is pick up my keys, give them a little jingle jangle and I have 3 happy pups waggin their tales and butts completely out of control and almost, almost losing their crazy little minds.

What is it about the back of a truck that gets us so stirred up inside even more so than a free Vegas trip strip pole included? As kids it was seen as the coolest thing ever.. to get to ride in the back. It still is. Growing up you drank in the back of trucks, watched sunsets, hooked up, tail gated at football games, made out, slept, and crammed into them. Its a no wonder dogs love to hop in and hang out with their lips, tongues and slobber flying everywhere. Its complete madness. Its the best times of our lives.

As much as I love my truck I think that Bakersfield boys love their trucks more than the rest of the world loves chocolate. Trucks were created for Bakersfield. Surprised? Start counting the next time your out driving around.. it will go something like this: truck, truck, car, truck, huge truck, car, truck, massive truck, truck, homeless person. 

In my opinion trucks are the greatest thing MAN ever came up with. For whatever reason all a guy has to do is say he drives a black F250 King Ranch and my heart and inhibitions literally are handed to him in a ribbon-just like that. Well, almost like that. Boys who drive trucks know how to have fun in my opinion. Its like a guy playing the guitar. Instant hot points.

I, unfortunately, am no different than my dogs and no different than a guy. That is why, if boys were dogs, they would still love trucks and I would still love both of them. Simple. As. That.

..they still wouldn't know how to use their tongues

Tongues.. GROSS. Getting licked by dogs.. gross. Getting spit on.. gross. Spit.. gross. Anything that has to do with the mouth gross, ESPECIALLY, if it is from a dogs mouth. Dogs lick there hehaws and eat shit and then lick our faces, our mouths, our feet and the sad thing is we let them. GROSS. I am guilty of it.. my sisters are guilty of it. My mom is guilty of it. WE ALL are guilty of it. 

So why doesn't kissing gross us out? We are sticking our tongues, our spit, our breath, gross, into someone else's mouth, swallowing it, swirling it  around, and loving it. It gives us the chills. It makes us forget about everything going on around us. It is what makes us 'turned on', 'heated up', 'rearin to go'. GROSS.

Have you ever had someone kiss you and it is like a hard peg swirling around the inside of your mouth, jabbing your teeth and tongue and you aren't sure whether to be rude and say gross please stop or fake the fact that you might be sick when in fact you are or just tough through it and play nice? Or kissing someone and you are going to faint because you have had to hold your breath? OR it is really slimy and gross and you cant tell if food just was shoved down your throat or if it might be there slimy nasty gross tongue? EW. 

Moral of the story... pay attention to how you kiss. Dont use too much tongue.. gross, dont be slobbery.. gross, dont have a hard on with your tongue.. gross, dont choke the other person.. gross.. and please, please, please, dont suffocate me. OH and a big one.. if you have some weird blister.. DONT KISS ANYONE. Thanks.

<--Grossest picture I have ever seen!

If boys were dogs.. we all would still have to learn how to control our nasty dirty mouths and put them to good clean use :)

And also, I cant say it enough, and as always, dont kiss someone elses boy/girlfriend you slutty whore faces.