Selfish Dogs. I hate selfish dogs! Especially ones who think its cool to take a ninja sword, out of your carefully pre thought out spent money on costume, and break it over there knee in front of all there 'boys' to look cool. Really dude? What a dick move. Grow up and invest in something you clearly must need adjusted... a penis pump.

Anyways, HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!

What a great holiday!.. for guys. I can only imagine being a guy on Halloween... as a friend of mine said..

"as you get older Halloween gets better because the girls continue to wear less and less!" 

Guys must wake up on Halloween the way a 6 year old wakes up on Christmas.. bright eyed and bushy tail (with hard on)... let the day begin!! Here a slut, there a slut, every where a slut slut! 

Secretly, I think girls wake up and try to imagine the skankiest outfit for Halloween. No longer are the days where you live out your adult childhood dream.. (princess, bride, cat, etc). Now our thoughts focus around pasties and what kind of costume can be created out of 5 inches of fabric. They should just start us early from childhood.."Sweetie, this year your going to be Princess Slutbag".. at least by the time we hit 15 we might actually  have some clothes on around this time of year!

When do girls get there holiday? No, Valentines Day does NOT count. I want a holiday where guys dress up in all plaid, play guitars, have shaggy hair, are not conceded dip shits,  and ride horses. 

Ya, Ill keep dreaming. 

...does size really matter?

"Big ones, small ones, some the size of your head.."

Yep, I am takin it there. Unfortunately, size matters. It matters in all categories, not JUST the more specific and obvious ones. I understand also that 'it is all in how you use it'..but come on, really? Is that actually the case? Cuz I know one thing, if you cant feel anything is it even there? If you ever run into a guy who pulls the line its all in how you use it.. walk away to another guy who just smiles. At lease by smiling he isn't trying to defend what isn't there.

I'd like to just throw it out there, but you dont buy a car until you test drive the crap out of it. You know, slam the breaks on, blast the air conditioner, go full throttle down the free way. So, why on earth would you marry someone or date someone without having tested the waters first; gone for a little off roading.

It applies to kissing as well. Do not under any circumstance let feelings get involved until you have tongue wrestled. Even just speaking this sentence makes me gag and remember times in my life where Ive kissed a guy and his tongue was so gross it turned me off of him immediately. Is it that hard to kiss? Suddenly it was no longer lets hang out it was get out as fast as possible. (see previous blog on kissing).

Slow and steady wins the race. NOT fast and hard. Doesn't anyone remember that tale as a child? They weren't just telling us to make us feel bad for a rabbit.

There is one tale that they forgot, bigger is better, but too big is just as bad.

... Is it all up to Fate? and if so, we're screwed.

To me, fate means nothing more than hours of driving, bad hang overs, criminals, whores, sex, heart break, and one hell of a time. Fate for me means bad news and another town to be left in.

Who the hell is fate? What a horrible, horrible individual. Fate. Fuck Fate. I hate Fate. If I ever run into Fate I am punching them in the face with brass knuckles and then stealing the reigns. Gone would be the days of endless bar hoping and endless drunkin one night stands running our lives. Instead it would be quick, easy, and to the point.

"Hi, my name is Fate. Here is a horse, wolf, bearded dragon, millions of dollars.. and oh yea, happiness and a life of REAL true meaningful, "I will not lie, hit you, or cheat on you", love!" (Rhianna are you listening?!)

Everyone always says.. "Oh its fate!" As if they are excited to see this happiness draining piece of crap. What they really should be saying is "Shit, things are gunna get a little ugly".

If Fate is involved, it isn't gunna be rainbows and butterflies. Everything Fate does begins and ends with heart ache.

So, whats the other option? If not Fate then who or what? Well, there is always that stupid talking snake in the apple tree? Or, there is the other no fail option, God. Maybe if people would start listening and trusting the Big Man upstairs a little more, Fate would go the way of the Indians. Wait, I take that back, Fate has already gone the way of the indians and went and  invented a place called Vegas (cue the heartache and sounds of money going down the drain).

My advice, Fuck Fate. Fuck Fate hard and fast. And when you do be sure to wear protection or else chances are you're going to end up with Herpes and an unexpected pregnancy. Once you have done that, leave without saying good bye. Then, go to church, get on your knees, and tell God your handing the reins over to him. I did, and I ended up with, for the first time, a stuffed camel, a goldfish named Lance, and no sign of that back stabbing idiot Fate anywhere to be seen.

..Game of Pick Up

Viva Las Vegas! Donald Trump wasn't joking around when he coined the phrase 'You're Fired'. I fired myself this morning from my life. So, back from Vegas and a big shout out to Mario Lopez and your new baby!!

VEGAS IS CRAZY. Vegas is eye opening. Vegas is a big slut whore. If Vegas was a person everyone would be jealous of Vegas. They'd all want to sleep with Vegas, be in Vegas, eat Vegas, drink Vegas, and then walk away with a giant Herpes blister on your mouth and hate Vegas. All in all, I love Vegas.

I also love the game of pick up. Vegas has that goin for it with no problems. Its amazing how brave people get when they are around 'Vegas'. No longer are boys and girls shy little clothed gazelles they become strong mighty naked warrior lions and lionnesses out for the hunt. Literally. I had my nerf gun in hand ready to defend myself and walk away with a new head to mount on my moms living room wall back home.

I was eye fucked at least 100 times; as was everyone else I was with. It was a great confidence booster but this morning I have a massive headache. I cant keep up with that. Hence, why my favorite place was the new Sand Bar at the Hard Rock. Barely any people there. Dont get me wrong it was still quite busy but everyone was so busy making out and groping each other in the pool that they just started to become scenery rather than actual 'people'.

So, I have a game of pick up too. Its called pick up and leave. Hello Bakersfield, hello dogs, hello reality!

364 days and counting.

... are WE the outcasts??

3:15am this morning I found myself wide awake on a sugar high. 4:45am..I found myself still wide awake. Creme Brulee, a delicious creme brulee at that, is not meant to be eaten at 11 at night. Ever. Especially paired with excitement. Not under any circumstance.

It was during this mornings struggle to sleep that it dawned on me how skinny and how bad I felt for not being able to find this emaciated German shepherd I saw when I left work last night. In the few seconds it took for me to run into work and grab some rolls and a dish of water it had disappeared down the alleys of downtown; yes, I did drive up and down the alleys searching, and yes my deep dark secret is that I wish I was a part of Animal Cops Bakersfield.

It was during this reflection that I realized that here this dog is, ribs showing and starving, and not because it wants to be but because of circumstance, and here we are, MIGHTY WOMEN, starving ourselves intentionally. When did we get so fucked up? What other species knowingly starves themselves to attract a mate? But it doesn't stop there. We knowingly starve ourselves into these emaciated looking aborigines and then take plastic and shove it in all the right places to enhance the features that catch the guys attentions. No wonder were called  'WO-MAN'.. woah the almighty man or else. What ever happened to just being beautiful? O wait, I remember, we went and got all materialistic on ourselves.

Could you IMAGINE for one second any other species doing that? Bears, dogs, squirrels..all knowingly starving themselves and then putting plastic 'in all the right spots' to grab a mates attention..man, shark week would take on a whole new meaning.

Just think about it the next time you go to a bar on a Fri or Sat night. Look around at 'us', at yourself. Look around at all the girls with their tits out, legs out, asses out, pounds of make-up, tight clothes, flat ironed hair, lack of clothes.. and really think about what your doing there. Then take a look at all the boys. Which one seems the most desperate? .. shocked yet? Cuz, the way I see it, somewhere in this whole strive for womanly independence we lost what a woman is, what a woman should be and what a woman stands for. In my opinion, were nothing more than a bag of bones, literally,  throwing ourselves at the dogs like some desperate emaciated plastic pumped dime a dozen. 


As always, remember, H is for Heidi.

...evolution would mean jack shit

A pretty girl walks by. The man honks his horn.

A pretty girl walks by. The man comments 'just' loud enough.

A pretty girl sits down. The man sticks his tongue out and wags it around.

A pretty girl walks by. The man whistles.

A pretty girl walks by. The man stares obviously and awkwardly

Really, out of all of evolution, this is the best that 'man' can come up with??? So easy, even a man could do it is more like it. 

I was walking with my sister when she told me a story about how she was enjoying her coffee when this skinny Where's Waldo type came up to her and asked her out to dinner. He proclaimed that he couldn't let himself go back to his office without knowing that he had tried his best and had in fact left no stone unturned. My sister thought this to be funny. I thought this to be bold. She thought him to be creepy. I thought him to be a knight in shining armor; but not for my sister of course. More like a knight in shining armor for men. 

What ever happened to a guy noticing a pretty girl and doing the 'proper' thing: walk up to her and start a, God forbid I even say it, a conversation. Do men even know how to hold one anymore? Do guys even know how to call girls anymore or is it true that they have resorted to being pussies who only know how to use their thumb and forefinger when texting. When was the last time a guy CALLED to ask you on a date or for that matter did it in person?? I will bet my freshly toasted chocolate chip bagel you cant.

If more guys acted like men rather than boys with their ding dongs out and their tongues flapping in the wind more girls might take them serious.

The thing that gets me going even more about guys,  is that when a girl gets a boyfriend they gripe.."why did you choose himmm?" "He is such a loser""Your going to regret it".. Really? Am I going to regret it? Am I going to regret being with the guy who actually made some kind of an effort to get and keep my attention? Because the way I look at it, is that he is more of a man than any of the other chimpanzees that sat around and watched. A real man sees a pretty woman and flex's the muscles that count.. the vocal cords.

Real men get real women. Real women get real men.

Boys attract sluts and whores. Sluts and whores attract boys.

What are you?

Losing Susie: I'm not in this alone!

There is one blog that needs to be added as a favorite to everyones blog library or at least daily readings.

Losing Susie: I'm not in this alone!