..Game of Pick Up

Viva Las Vegas! Donald Trump wasn't joking around when he coined the phrase 'You're Fired'. I fired myself this morning from my life. So, back from Vegas and a big shout out to Mario Lopez and your new baby!!

VEGAS IS CRAZY. Vegas is eye opening. Vegas is a big slut whore. If Vegas was a person everyone would be jealous of Vegas. They'd all want to sleep with Vegas, be in Vegas, eat Vegas, drink Vegas, and then walk away with a giant Herpes blister on your mouth and hate Vegas. All in all, I love Vegas.

I also love the game of pick up. Vegas has that goin for it with no problems. Its amazing how brave people get when they are around 'Vegas'. No longer are boys and girls shy little clothed gazelles they become strong mighty naked warrior lions and lionnesses out for the hunt. Literally. I had my nerf gun in hand ready to defend myself and walk away with a new head to mount on my moms living room wall back home.

I was eye fucked at least 100 times; as was everyone else I was with. It was a great confidence booster but this morning I have a massive headache. I cant keep up with that. Hence, why my favorite place was the new Sand Bar at the Hard Rock. Barely any people there. Dont get me wrong it was still quite busy but everyone was so busy making out and groping each other in the pool that they just started to become scenery rather than actual 'people'.

So, I have a game of pick up too. Its called pick up and leave. Hello Bakersfield, hello dogs, hello reality!

364 days and counting.

... are WE the outcasts??

3:15am this morning I found myself wide awake on a sugar high. 4:45am..I found myself still wide awake. Creme Brulee, a delicious creme brulee at that, is not meant to be eaten at 11 at night. Ever. Especially paired with excitement. Not under any circumstance.

It was during this mornings struggle to sleep that it dawned on me how skinny and how bad I felt for not being able to find this emaciated German shepherd I saw when I left work last night. In the few seconds it took for me to run into work and grab some rolls and a dish of water it had disappeared down the alleys of downtown; yes, I did drive up and down the alleys searching, and yes my deep dark secret is that I wish I was a part of Animal Cops Bakersfield.

It was during this reflection that I realized that here this dog is, ribs showing and starving, and not because it wants to be but because of circumstance, and here we are, MIGHTY WOMEN, starving ourselves intentionally. When did we get so fucked up? What other species knowingly starves themselves to attract a mate? But it doesn't stop there. We knowingly starve ourselves into these emaciated looking aborigines and then take plastic and shove it in all the right places to enhance the features that catch the guys attentions. No wonder were called  'WO-MAN'.. woah the almighty man or else. What ever happened to just being beautiful? O wait, I remember, we went and got all materialistic on ourselves.

Could you IMAGINE for one second any other species doing that? Bears, dogs, squirrels..all knowingly starving themselves and then putting plastic 'in all the right spots' to grab a mates attention..man, shark week would take on a whole new meaning.

Just think about it the next time you go to a bar on a Fri or Sat night. Look around at 'us', at yourself. Look around at all the girls with their tits out, legs out, asses out, pounds of make-up, tight clothes, flat ironed hair, lack of clothes.. and really think about what your doing there. Then take a look at all the boys. Which one seems the most desperate? .. shocked yet? Cuz, the way I see it, somewhere in this whole strive for womanly independence we lost what a woman is, what a woman should be and what a woman stands for. In my opinion, were nothing more than a bag of bones, literally,  throwing ourselves at the dogs like some desperate emaciated plastic pumped dime a dozen. 


As always, remember, H is for Heidi.

...evolution would mean jack shit

A pretty girl walks by. The man honks his horn.

A pretty girl walks by. The man comments 'just' loud enough.

A pretty girl sits down. The man sticks his tongue out and wags it around.

A pretty girl walks by. The man whistles.

A pretty girl walks by. The man stares obviously and awkwardly

Really, out of all of evolution, this is the best that 'man' can come up with??? So easy, even a man could do it is more like it. 

I was walking with my sister when she told me a story about how she was enjoying her coffee when this skinny Where's Waldo type came up to her and asked her out to dinner. He proclaimed that he couldn't let himself go back to his office without knowing that he had tried his best and had in fact left no stone unturned. My sister thought this to be funny. I thought this to be bold. She thought him to be creepy. I thought him to be a knight in shining armor; but not for my sister of course. More like a knight in shining armor for men. 

What ever happened to a guy noticing a pretty girl and doing the 'proper' thing: walk up to her and start a, God forbid I even say it, a conversation. Do men even know how to hold one anymore? Do guys even know how to call girls anymore or is it true that they have resorted to being pussies who only know how to use their thumb and forefinger when texting. When was the last time a guy CALLED to ask you on a date or for that matter did it in person?? I will bet my freshly toasted chocolate chip bagel you cant.

If more guys acted like men rather than boys with their ding dongs out and their tongues flapping in the wind more girls might take them serious.

The thing that gets me going even more about guys,  is that when a girl gets a boyfriend they gripe.."why did you choose himmm?" "He is such a loser""Your going to regret it".. Really? Am I going to regret it? Am I going to regret being with the guy who actually made some kind of an effort to get and keep my attention? Because the way I look at it, is that he is more of a man than any of the other chimpanzees that sat around and watched. A real man sees a pretty woman and flex's the muscles that count.. the vocal cords.

Real men get real women. Real women get real men.

Boys attract sluts and whores. Sluts and whores attract boys.

What are you?

Losing Susie: I'm not in this alone!

There is one blog that needs to be added as a favorite to everyones blog library or at least daily readings.

Losing Susie: I'm not in this alone!

..confused. They would be confused.

Normal vs. Normal

Scenerio #1: A girl walks up to your boyfriend and says the following: "If we had sex you would break me in half".. and then squeezes his ass
Scenerio #2: You see an IM to your boyfriend from a married older woman that says: "I am NAKED getting into the shower. I just thought you would want to know!"
Scenerio #3: Your mom is home and your boyfriend is openly peeing with the door open to the bathroom with your mom in the next room..
Scenerio #4: You are laying out by the pool, topless,  with all your friends, topless, and all your boyfriends/husbands.

So. Whats the reaction to this? Naturally, of course, to scenerios 1-2 you would want to freak out on the girl. Maybe beat her face in like a squashed lemon on a hot day. Scenerios 3 and 4 might just be a little awkward. So now, the reveal. Scenerios 1-4 are all different, real life scenerios, of norms in other cutures. No wonder guys are so messed up. They go from one culture to the next and get total extremes. In one country woman run around topless, in another country women openly talk about sex to every and all men, in another country peeing and being naked in front of other people is totally 'ok' and yet, still, in another country, my American country, sex is dirty and illegal unless your married or practicing putting condoms on bananas. Cheeseburgers are revered more in America than the human body; and distrubingly just as cheap as a downtown prostitute.

Men look at European girls like American women look at icecream. It is everywhere but illegal to touch. The french have more words for sex than Americans have positions. In fact studies have shown that Europeans actually enjoy sex more than Americans because of the way the human body is portrayed: beautiful. Imagine if in America we portrayed women as beautiful.. we may end up with more 'healthy' looking naturally large breasted women rather than skeletons running around with size H is for Heidi breasts and bleached out hair. We might end up with more confidence in young girls rather than make up slathered 13 year olds thinking their thighs are 'fat'. We might just end up with more happy marriages and relationships rather than a 50% divorce rate.

Imagine a world where a guy could appreciate a pretty flower without being slapped across the face. Imagine a world where one guy only had eyes for one woman. Imagine a world where people practiced what they actually learned about in church.

...Wolf or Maneater?

                   Jacob vs. Edward

It is only fitting with the new release of Eclipse that this blog pays homage to it. The vampires are getting sexier, the wolves are getting hotter, the series keeps getting better and the debate continues, Wolf or Vampire? I personally, choose wolf.  It is as simple as sundae or banana split? chocolate or vanilla? peanut butter or chocolate chip? Not that Edward or Jacob are anything close to being compared to food but can I help it if my mind goes to the gutter?

If you are a vampire fan, this is where I am going to turn you over to the dark side. It is only fitting with this blog being called 'if boys were dogs' that I stick to my guns. And it is only fitting with Jacob being a wolf that I stand my ground on the issue. I do after all prefer muscles, athleticism, and hair (right Susie?)

Here it goes, Edward struggles from commitment issues and has been around the block. Jacob would die for you and watching his shirt rip off in the process would be an added bonus. Edward is cold to the touch and could do nothing more than lay next to you at night aimlessly staring at the missed cobwebs in the corner.

Jacob on the other hand, could wrap those big man muscles right around ya and the body heat coming off of him would only add to his perfection on a cold winter night. Have you crossed over yet or should I keep going?

Edward hasn't eaten a meal in years, could never appreciate your cooking, and is white and frail from lack of sunlight. Jacob loves to eat, can play in the sun and is anything but frail. Does having a giant dog sleeping at the foot of your bed appeal to you or does waking up seeing a dark shadow in the corner get ya goin?


So, again, I ask the question,
WOLF OR VAMPIRE?

Jacob or Edward?
	Jacob
	Edward
View Results

..would they still be sluts or does Cloud 1 really exist?

Do sluts feel like sluts and whores feel like whores when they are in their whore mode knowingly whoring themselves out?  Or is there some unknown emotion that I have yet to encounter or feel. The Japanese made up a new taste so I am making up a new emotion. It is called 'Cloud 1' and right above ground 0 stupor. It is a feeling of acting like a slut and not realizing you are until the next morning when your drunkin happy phase has worn off. This is how it falls in the category of things:

Cloud 9- NOT reality

Cloud 5- Reality

Cloud 1-You dont realize you are being a drunken slut and have convinced yourself this could be your new boyfriend/husband.

Cloud 0- Rock bottom

So, here is the scenario:

I am in a hotel lobby around 2am when in walks 'the boys' with four girls behind them and even funnier three boys who are not even part of 'our crew' behind them; Clearly hoping for any stragglers that dont get eaten alive by the charm and godliness of what are athletes. We all make a plan to change into our bathing suits, hop the fence and go hot tubbing. The girls, no bathing suits conveniently stashed in their clutches, strip down to their lacy bras and thongs and hop in absolutely oblivious to the snake in the apple tree. Maybe this is how the garden of eden went down. Eve was drunk.

Now, do these girls actually feel like a slut and know they are being sluts for coming back to the hotel or are they so caught up in that moment that everything seems totally normal  aka Cloud 1? I just cannot see someone excited about whoring themselves out. Actual I can and those slutty whores do exist. But, nonetheless, maybe that is why the next morning it is called the 'walk of shame'. You don't actually realize what you are doing, in your drunken bliss Cloud 1, until the next morning when you realize you are in a hotel room, naked, dirty and used and somehow have to get back home. If only it were as easy as clap on clap off. Clap home. Clap bed.