...evolution would mean jack shit

A pretty girl walks by. The man honks his horn.

A pretty girl walks by. The man comments 'just' loud enough.

A pretty girl sits down. The man sticks his tongue out and wags it around.

A pretty girl walks by. The man whistles.

A pretty girl walks by. The man stares obviously and awkwardly

Really, out of all of evolution, this is the best that 'man' can come up with??? So easy, even a man could do it is more like it. 

I was walking with my sister when she told me a story about how she was enjoying her coffee when this skinny Where's Waldo type came up to her and asked her out to dinner. He proclaimed that he couldn't let himself go back to his office without knowing that he had tried his best and had in fact left no stone unturned. My sister thought this to be funny. I thought this to be bold. She thought him to be creepy. I thought him to be a knight in shining armor; but not for my sister of course. More like a knight in shining armor for men. 

What ever happened to a guy noticing a pretty girl and doing the 'proper' thing: walk up to her and start a, God forbid I even say it, a conversation. Do men even know how to hold one anymore? Do guys even know how to call girls anymore or is it true that they have resorted to being pussies who only know how to use their thumb and forefinger when texting. When was the last time a guy CALLED to ask you on a date or for that matter did it in person?? I will bet my freshly toasted chocolate chip bagel you cant.

If more guys acted like men rather than boys with their ding dongs out and their tongues flapping in the wind more girls might take them serious.

The thing that gets me going even more about guys,  is that when a girl gets a boyfriend they gripe.."why did you choose himmm?" "He is such a loser""Your going to regret it".. Really? Am I going to regret it? Am I going to regret being with the guy who actually made some kind of an effort to get and keep my attention? Because the way I look at it, is that he is more of a man than any of the other chimpanzees that sat around and watched. A real man sees a pretty woman and flex's the muscles that count.. the vocal cords.

Real men get real women. Real women get real men.

Boys attract sluts and whores. Sluts and whores attract boys.

What are you?

Losing Susie: I'm not in this alone!

There is one blog that needs to be added as a favorite to everyones blog library or at least daily readings.

Losing Susie: I'm not in this alone!

..confused. They would be confused.

Normal vs. Normal

Scenerio #1: A girl walks up to your boyfriend and says the following: "If we had sex you would break me in half".. and then squeezes his ass
Scenerio #2: You see an IM to your boyfriend from a married older woman that says: "I am NAKED getting into the shower. I just thought you would want to know!"
Scenerio #3: Your mom is home and your boyfriend is openly peeing with the door open to the bathroom with your mom in the next room..
Scenerio #4: You are laying out by the pool, topless,  with all your friends, topless, and all your boyfriends/husbands.

So. Whats the reaction to this? Naturally, of course, to scenerios 1-2 you would want to freak out on the girl. Maybe beat her face in like a squashed lemon on a hot day. Scenerios 3 and 4 might just be a little awkward. So now, the reveal. Scenerios 1-4 are all different, real life scenerios, of norms in other cutures. No wonder guys are so messed up. They go from one culture to the next and get total extremes. In one country woman run around topless, in another country women openly talk about sex to every and all men, in another country peeing and being naked in front of other people is totally 'ok' and yet, still, in another country, my American country, sex is dirty and illegal unless your married or practicing putting condoms on bananas. Cheeseburgers are revered more in America than the human body; and distrubingly just as cheap as a downtown prostitute.

Men look at European girls like American women look at icecream. It is everywhere but illegal to touch. The french have more words for sex than Americans have positions. In fact studies have shown that Europeans actually enjoy sex more than Americans because of the way the human body is portrayed: beautiful. Imagine if in America we portrayed women as beautiful.. we may end up with more 'healthy' looking naturally large breasted women rather than skeletons running around with size H is for Heidi breasts and bleached out hair. We might end up with more confidence in young girls rather than make up slathered 13 year olds thinking their thighs are 'fat'. We might just end up with more happy marriages and relationships rather than a 50% divorce rate.

Imagine a world where a guy could appreciate a pretty flower without being slapped across the face. Imagine a world where one guy only had eyes for one woman. Imagine a world where people practiced what they actually learned about in church.

...Wolf or Maneater?

                   Jacob vs. Edward

It is only fitting with the new release of Eclipse that this blog pays homage to it. The vampires are getting sexier, the wolves are getting hotter, the series keeps getting better and the debate continues, Wolf or Vampire? I personally, choose wolf.  It is as simple as sundae or banana split? chocolate or vanilla? peanut butter or chocolate chip? Not that Edward or Jacob are anything close to being compared to food but can I help it if my mind goes to the gutter?

If you are a vampire fan, this is where I am going to turn you over to the dark side. It is only fitting with this blog being called 'if boys were dogs' that I stick to my guns. And it is only fitting with Jacob being a wolf that I stand my ground on the issue. I do after all prefer muscles, athleticism, and hair (right Susie?)

Here it goes, Edward struggles from commitment issues and has been around the block. Jacob would die for you and watching his shirt rip off in the process would be an added bonus. Edward is cold to the touch and could do nothing more than lay next to you at night aimlessly staring at the missed cobwebs in the corner.

Jacob on the other hand, could wrap those big man muscles right around ya and the body heat coming off of him would only add to his perfection on a cold winter night. Have you crossed over yet or should I keep going?

Edward hasn't eaten a meal in years, could never appreciate your cooking, and is white and frail from lack of sunlight. Jacob loves to eat, can play in the sun and is anything but frail. Does having a giant dog sleeping at the foot of your bed appeal to you or does waking up seeing a dark shadow in the corner get ya goin?


So, again, I ask the question,
WOLF OR VAMPIRE?

Jacob or Edward?
	Jacob
	Edward
View Results

..would they still be sluts or does Cloud 1 really exist?

Do sluts feel like sluts and whores feel like whores when they are in their whore mode knowingly whoring themselves out?  Or is there some unknown emotion that I have yet to encounter or feel. The Japanese made up a new taste so I am making up a new emotion. It is called 'Cloud 1' and right above ground 0 stupor. It is a feeling of acting like a slut and not realizing you are until the next morning when your drunkin happy phase has worn off. This is how it falls in the category of things:

Cloud 9- NOT reality

Cloud 5- Reality

Cloud 1-You dont realize you are being a drunken slut and have convinced yourself this could be your new boyfriend/husband.

Cloud 0- Rock bottom

So, here is the scenario:

I am in a hotel lobby around 2am when in walks 'the boys' with four girls behind them and even funnier three boys who are not even part of 'our crew' behind them; Clearly hoping for any stragglers that dont get eaten alive by the charm and godliness of what are athletes. We all make a plan to change into our bathing suits, hop the fence and go hot tubbing. The girls, no bathing suits conveniently stashed in their clutches, strip down to their lacy bras and thongs and hop in absolutely oblivious to the snake in the apple tree. Maybe this is how the garden of eden went down. Eve was drunk.

Now, do these girls actually feel like a slut and know they are being sluts for coming back to the hotel or are they so caught up in that moment that everything seems totally normal  aka Cloud 1? I just cannot see someone excited about whoring themselves out. Actual I can and those slutty whores do exist. But, nonetheless, maybe that is why the next morning it is called the 'walk of shame'. You don't actually realize what you are doing, in your drunken bliss Cloud 1, until the next morning when you realize you are in a hotel room, naked, dirty and used and somehow have to get back home. If only it were as easy as clap on clap off. Clap home. Clap bed.

...can you teach an old dog new tricks?

There is nothing I find more rude than when a guy comes into my work to eat dinner, on a date, and makes it obvious when she turns her back that he is checking me out or any of the other female staff I work with. What is with the male species? Can you ever be happy with what you have or are you always wanting what you cant have?

 I appreciate the whole 'appreciate a pretty flower' concept but, really, do you think that I am going to magically slip you my number when you are straight out making it obvious you are a cocky doosh-bag? and nonetheless YOU ARE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. Let me repeat that.. YOU. ARE. WITH. ANOTHER. WOMAN.

I guess it goes back to Caveman days where the more 'seed' they sowed the bigger their return. It was all about survival of the strongest, fastest and most popular.  Has anyone else noticed that we are not in the caveman days, despite Geico commercials suggesting otherwise, and slutty whore desperado's are in abundance around every turn? If you want to 'sew' your seed all you need is a bottle of Jack and a sign saying you have a boyfriend or girlfriend. The sluts will come running legs wide open.

Back to the point. If you want to see boobs move to Europe. If you want to see ass move to Brazil. If you want to see naked girls running around move to Africa. Stop staring like it is something you haven't seen before. Boobs are boobs even if they aren't size H is for Heidi.

Can you teach an old dog new tricks? I'd like to say yes but unfortunately unless the dog wants to change the only new tricks he will be performing are on Friday nights around 3am.

...there past would still come back to haunt them

There is nothing I hate more than a past which refuses to stay in the past. The reason we move on in life and why life goes on isn't so we can have this continuous starving pigeon following us around and pooping on everything while we are trying to enjoy a good meal. Thats what seagulls at the beach are for... to follow us around and clean up our mess. Enough is enough.

 I don't try to make the right decisions and try to do the right things just to have people who aren't over their own pasts keep popping in and ruining my day. I didn't go through the last 26 years of some really terrible and crappy situations to have something so retarded ruin my happiness or what I have worked my ass off for. There is a reason they say 'put the past behind you'  and why they didn't say "ruin other peoples lives by living in the past and dwelling in it"..

If boys were dogs the past would still come back to haunt them and everyone else. No matter how hard we try to follow the straight path at some point we are going to run into a mountain lion or a rattlesnake and have two choices.. beat the shit out of it or run up a tree and hide for a while. I tend to like to beat the shit out of it but the problem is, is that a lot of the times my mountain lions and rattlesnakes play dead and then sneak back later and I am sure I am not the only one with this issue. So, I have over the years changed my tactic.

This is where learning from the past is important, for everyone. This is where you take all those lessons from all those other dirt roads and deal with it the adult way; you grow up. You build a trap, catch the snake and feed it to a mongoose. One mans trash is another mans treasure. And if that doesn't work, well, there is always death by poison.

All I am saying is, is move on...Karmas a bitch. Leave the past where it belongs, learn from it, deal with it, accept it, use it to make you a better person at the end of the day, but most importantly.. forgive and forget.